Slow Down: My Queer Spiritual Salvation
The estimated read is 4 minutes.
Sickness and grief have inhibited me from posting, and today, I’m happy to finally share something I’ve been meaning to for a while now.
This personal essay, Slow Down: My Queer Spiritual Salvation, was first published in Issue 03 of Brunch Club Mag, February 2022. This issue focused on Queer Futures, and it was a privilege to share my personal writing in a printed format like this for the first time. My deepest appreciation goes to Colby Anderson, the Creator of Brunch Club.
I hope you enjoy it.
Slow Down.
That was the message I received one day in 2018 after processing the visitation of my deceased great-grandfather, Ignacio, in my dreams. He appeared to me on the eve of his 101st birthday. I didn’t realize this until checking my family’s Facebook group the next day. An aunt or uncle shared a post, and memorial comments from family across the state followed.
The Libra patriarch on my maternal side called attention to how I was living my life fast. In doing so, I was becoming disconnected from myself, my family, and my ancestors. During the time of this dream, I was self-medicated, drinking several times a week and driving from place to place across town to appease the demands of work that had a falsified sense of urgency and importance. My ego loved it. I was drowning out and forgetting as much personal history and political turmoil that coexisted with and within my being. I was chasing buzzwords and accolades. I was ignoring physical pains that felt debilitating. I was building emotional walls to push forward with projects that involved people and places that had no intention of prioritizing the resting of my body or the salvation of my soul.
Even in my dream, I was living in a rush and neglected to connect with my great-grandfather’s being. The moment was a gift since I often felt shy around him when he was living. Instead, my dream self was hastily getting ready in the restroom of my apartment while my great-grandfather sat in his walker chair in the doorway down the hall. His demeanor was patient and calm. “Okay, Mija.” Were his words when I explained to him that I would be out in a moment and he could use the space next. I needed to get ready for work at the non-profit job I thought was perfect, but actually was burning me out.
After this false awakening, I woke up to do it all over again, this time with my great-grandfather absent.
The dream and message would catalyze me to be more intentional in reconnecting with myself and my intuition. Promised salary and paradise upon paid debts were no longer enough. I left the non-profit job that was burning me out. “Urgency is a symptom of white supremacy” was a phrase that resonated more and more. I wanted to stop participating in the structures that felt like there was no room to slow down. I wanted to examine how our whole beings had been held hostage by a history of genocide and bondage via colonization.
Slow Down.
I began to delve deeper into various understandings of the spiritual outside of those presented predominantly in America’s Roman-Catholic-influenced culture. I started to pinpoint the origins of so much shame better and find salvation in new ways of being. I began to deconstruct my identity and personal history.
In these slower times, I am learning to listen to myself and learn with others. I am learning to let go and make do. I am learning to take and give space. I am learning to decolonize and dream of a different world. Even doing this, I still make mistakes, but I hope my slower pace gives me perspective.
Our future is now and worth taking time on.
Slow Down.
I completed a digital image to complement the essay based on my dream, and I have a photo of my great-grandfather.
Did you enjoy this essay on Dreams?
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Peace,
Vic ✷ they/them
